A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and
it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with
the hubcap?" The waiter sings "There's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit,
and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set
it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip
of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No,
I'm sorry," replied the bartender,"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and
reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The
lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers
cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

=============more=================
>A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that
>reads: "Dear Wife," that's what he called her, "I am 54 and by the time you
>receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy
>18 year old secretary."
>
>When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read,
>"Dear Husband," that's what she called him, "I too am 54 and by the time you
>receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and
>virile 18 year old boy toy.  You being an accountant will therefore

>appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18." 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------

here are three labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the
> vet's; a black lab, a chocolate lab and a yellow lab.
>
> The black lab turns to the chocolate lab and says, "Why are you here?"
>
> The chocolate lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed
> on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was
> when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
>The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?"
>
> The chocolate lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."
>
> Then the chocolate lab asks the black, "Why are you here?"
>
> The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the
> flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the
> last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
>
> The chocolate lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?"
>
> And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection.
>
> Then the black and chocolate labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why
> are you here?"
>
> The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
> cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to
> hump.  Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her
> toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her."
> The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"
>"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
==============================
>A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" 
>
>Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:  I'm the breadwinner
>of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.  Your Mom, she's the
>administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.  We're here to
>take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.  The nanny,  we'll
>consider her the Working Class.  And your baby brother, we'll call him the
>Future.  Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
> 
>So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.  Later
>that night, he hears his baby brother  crying, so he gets  up to check on
>him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.  So the little
>boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting
>to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he peeks
>in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and
>goes back to bed.  The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad,
>I thinkI understand the concept of politics now."
>
>The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
>politics is all about."  
>
>The little boy replies,  "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
>Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
>Future is in deep shit."

-============================================================

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of 
> Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a 
> new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he 
> would conduct the interviews personally and went up into 
> the belfry to begin the screening process.
> 
> After observing while several applicants demonstrated their 
> skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, 
> armless man approached him and announced that he was there 
> to apply for the bell ringer's job. 
> 
> The bishop was incredulous.  "You have no arms!"
> 
> "No matter," said the man, "observe!"  He then began 
> striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful 
> melody on the carillon.
> 
> The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had 
> finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.  
> Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the 
> armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry 
> window to his death in the street below.
> 
> The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways.  
> When he reached  the street, a crowd had gathered around 
> the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had 
> heard only moments before.  As they silently parted to let 
> the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was 
> this man?"
> 
> "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his 
> face rings a bell."
===========================================================

Today's Stock Market Report:
> 
> Helium was up, feathers were down.  Paper was stationary.
> Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
> Knives were up sharply.
> Cows steered into a bull market.
> Pencils lost a few points.
> Hiking equipment was trailing.
> Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
> Weights were up in heavy trading.
> Light switches were off.
> Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
> Diapers remained unchanged.
> Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
> The market for raisins dried up.
> Coca Cola fizzled.
> Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
> Sun peaked at midday.
> Balloon prices were inflated.
> Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
> And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
> 
> (Thanks to Craig Trim for sending that one)
> ___________________________________________________________
> 
> 3 new bonds are being issued:
> 
> *       Lewinsky bond:     Has no maturity
> *       Gore bond:         Has no interest
> *       Clinton bond:      Has no principle.

========================================================================
>> A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
>> which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
>> would invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to
>> spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
>> section of Maine.
>>
>> On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
>> him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
>>
>> Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
>> the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian
>> companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went
>> around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
>> quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.
>>
>> Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
>>
>> His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
>> swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as
>> fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
>>
>> The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the
>> lawyer.
>>
>> Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He’s in THAT one!" cried the
>> lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s
>> family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
>>
>> The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled took
>> his gun, careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
>>
>> "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
>>
>> "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
>> that the Czech was in the male