Confucious say...

• Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have shitty time
• Man who fart in church sit in own pew
• Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day
• Man who buy drowned cat pay for wet pussy
• Learn to masturbate, come in handy
• Good for girl to meet boy in park, But better for boy to park meat in girl
• Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock
• Man who digs for gold in nose take out gilded finger
• Man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
• Man with penis in cookie jar fucking crackers
• Man who go to bed with itchy bottom wake up with smelly finger
• Man with hand in pocket not necessarily looking for change.
• Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk. 
• Naked man fears no pick pocket. 
• Man who masturbate only screwing himself. 
• The hand that turneth the knob opens the door. 
• Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk. 
• Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die. 
• He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep. 
• Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands. 
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 
• He who sniffs coke drowns. 
• Man who piss into wind get wet. 
• Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons 
• Never eat yellow snow. 
• Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely
• to end up with splitting headache. 
• He who lives in glass house dresses in basement. 
• Man with one chopstick go hungry. 
• Man who go to bed with diarrhoea wake up in deep shit. 
• A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose. 
• Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
• Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!
• Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
• Elevator smell different to midget.
• Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.
• He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
• He who sleep with itchy bum, he will wake with smelly thumb.
• He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
• He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
• Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
• Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
• Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
• Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
• Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
• Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
• Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.
• Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
• Woman who put detergent on top shelf jump for Joy.
• Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit. 
• Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die. 
• Hockey player on ice have big stick. 
• Man who go to McDonald's eat out stinky meat. 
• Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off. 
• Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end. 
• Priest with dick in snow like cold one before mass. 
• Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. 
• Man who paints on toilet door is a shithouse painter. 
• Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. 
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
• Virgin like bubble. One prick, all gone. 
• Man with hand in pocket is having a ball. 
• Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. 
• Man with no legs bums around. 
• A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose. 
• Man who smoke pot choke on handle. 
• It is Ok for shit to happen. Shit will decompose. 
• Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache. 
• Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed. 
• Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary. 
• Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. 
• Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants! 
• Man who sit on tack get point!
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• War does not determine who is right; war determines who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib; but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.