From - Wed Mar 19 09:59:03 1997
Message-ID: <332F1848.1D26@iainc.net>
Date: Tue, 18 Mar 1997 17:33:44 -0500
From: "Daniel O. Ronsayro" <dannyr@iainc.net>
Organization: Xcellenet, Inc.
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Subject: Microsoft in South Georgia
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Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in
South Georgia:

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty
   bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized
   drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
   "Achy-Breaky Heart".
9. PowerPoint would be named "PaerPawnt"
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vizshul Basic" and "Vizshul
    C++"
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Battle Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. (deleted because it was just too tasteless)
14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire.......
20. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars
    in your  front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Start button renamed "Y'all ready?" or optional "Fixin' To...."
24. Microsoft Plus, renamed "Second Helpin's", features desktop themes
    like "Goober's Garage","Granny's Fancy Eatin' Parlor", "Drag
    Racin' Sundays", "Dale Earnhardt's Drivin' School",and the popular
    "Friday Night after the high school football game Fight in the
Parkin'
    Lot!".
25. Internet Explorer, now known as "Fishin' Net", will only connect to
    Web pages featuring CUSEEME with W.W.F. wrasslers.
26. Default desktop background is a digital Velvet Elvis.
27. Instead of bugs, it has gnats, commonly referred to by programmers
    as "no-see-ums".
28. The Microsoft Network, known now as *RedNet*, features mainly
    transcripts of Orlando Wilson's fishin' shows, but is constantly
    afflicted with flame wars between Chevy owners and Ford owners.
    "Take that foreign piece a shit back to AOL!"
29. Error dialog box reads "You ought not a done that, pard."
30. Refers to their competition as "that thar *fruity* company, way
    out yonder in Kal-if-forn-eye-A", and constantly challenges
    them to a Texas-Caged-Tag-Team-Death-Match, winner
    takes all.......